Day 33

Still nothing....

nada...

Feeling emotionally better...that's a good thing. 

Day 30

Ok no period yet. Sigh. It's day 30! 

Are these cramps I'm feeling? 

You know the feeling, the ghosty/fake out cramps that make you feel like you need to go to the bathroom but when you get there it doesnt happen? 

Yea. That's me this morning. 

Day 28

Good news: had blood last night after we had sex and what looked to be the beginnings of a period. 

Even better news: Both times before sex, last night and tonight I was lubricated ALL BY MYSELF! AMAZING! I cant even tell you the last time that happened, that I didnt need lube. Of course when we put on the condom we used it, but...LADIES....that's awesome. That's worth not being on birth control right there. Its amazing to feel like that- to actually get turned on while I'm with my husband and us be able to take advantage of it.  

Not so great news: no more blood since last night. I'm hoping these haunts of a period come soon...it has been 28 days, which is the "average" woman's cycle....so, give or take a couple of days until I actually get nervous. 

Until then...BIG SMILE across my face! BIG ONE. 

;-) 

Day 27

Bad news. 

Headache yesterday. It was lurking by noon, and by the evening it was bad enough for me to take some advil. More bad news: the kids I take care of both have nasty fevers....eek I hope that's not me in a few days! 

I turned the hubs down for intimate fun and it really upset him. Ok, so I can be honest and say I'm really not feeling all that great or I can just go through the motions?

He's upset because for the weeks I was gone, I was all turned on and now that I'm home, I'm not feeling my best and he thinks its because I'm not attracted to him. I dont think that's the case at all...I think I'm just having a low moment? I'm allowed to have low moments after weeks of go go go go...right?

Sigh. What do I do? What do most women do to get themselves in the mood when they arent feeling great? Or do I just allow my body to be low for a few days and assume that all is well and will be well in a few days? 

It doesnt help that I keep having these glimpses of stupid body insecurity. Eh. Can I have those last weeks back, please?

Day 26

Here's a truth that I'm really starting to get: 

Regardless of whether or not you are on or going off the pill, daily exercise makes a big difference in how you feel physically and emotionally. Not only do you feel stronger and empowered over your body, but you feel like your doing something good for yourself- which is a nice confidence boost. It has all of these lovely effects, I don't know why I didn't regularly exercise before...

I've started back at the gym/working out daily and just knowing that I'm back on track makes me feel good. 

Had a mild headache yesterday, today is clear so far.  

Well, still no period...I think it would be kind of ironic if I were pregnant...I mean, I was going off the pill for one reason, and would be ending up with the result that most women go for when they drop the pill...The good news, is that if I am pregnant, its alright. I mean, I believe that babies come in perfect time- whether or not they are planned. So, if I am, its ok. And if I'm not...well...even better ;-) I'd rather wait to purposely have children in a few years from now, once I'm out of graduate school and working regularly enough to support a new life. That's the plan, anyway. 

We'll find out soon!

Day 25

Whew! Sorry for the long break, if anyone's out there actually reading this. 

I was in Florida with limited internet connection for a few days and have been busy since I've returned to the Bay Area. 

This past weekend for about 3 days I've had a mild headache. I took 2 advil each of those 3 days. The headache was at its worst on Sunday when I was traveling for 12 hours and finally landed in SF. Makes sense. Sleep certainly helped that one, it was gone by Monday.

I think I should be getting close to having my period by now...its been 25 days...shouldn't it be here already? I figured that was the driving factor behind the headaches...but...no period yet...so what gives?

Maybe its on slight hold thanks to traveling, family stress, and this being my first cycle off of birth control...

I guess next cycle I'll start using the temperature method to know precisely when I've ovulated so I'll know when to expect my period. 

Hubs and I had sex twice the other night! AWESOME! I hope that continues :-) I've actually been in the mood, which is nice! 

I spent some time with a girlfriend yesterday who noticed my positive change of being more upbeat than I've been in a few months. Its nice to have these break throughs of genuine positive energy again! Maybe next cycle I'll have more of those!

That's all for now, stay tuned...

Day 17

Ok its actually too early in this day to comment about how it's going - so I'm going to talk about something I felt yesterday -

Yesterday evening, I kept having a sinking, nervous feeling. I've noticed it before when I was going on/off the pill, so I just wanted to make note of it. Its a feeling of anxiety, nervousness and lack of grounding. It has come and gone over the last 24 hours, more specifically. 

that's all - just wanted to make a quick note of it. I need some yoga. 

Day 16

I've made it through 2 whole weeks without birth control. 

I've definitely been more emotional -you know, crying or feeling choked up over things I normally wouldn't be so emotional over... but I keep getting these great glimpses of feeling more alive.

I havent had a regular headache this entire time, besides the day I flew across the country on a few hours of sleep and my hang over on Sunday from drinking a little too much Saturday night without having eaten much throughout the day or staying hydrated. Those headaches were due to pressure from flying, lack of sleep, and alcohol withdrawal, not just random in nature or  without recognizable cause like they have been for so long. 

I have had some threats of headaches that could have become full fledged headaches...but, they've stayed at bay and have gone away pretty easily. 

The last 2-3 days I've been pretty turned on, too. That's NICE to report! Sucks that I'm far away from Eric, but its nice to know that it's possible to feel this way again :-) I suppose its about the right time in my cycle to be feeling turned on easily, I think its due to likely being close close to ovulation. Whatever it is, I like it. 

That's my update for now! 

Day 14

No need to write a lot this morning, I feel good. 

Day 12

Today has been nice.  

It seems my insecurity  in relationships is shrinking back into the hole where it came. I hope it stays there, too. Meh. 

Dad took me fishing this morning and it was so meditative. I really enjoyed being able to quietly sit and focus on something simple. It is a beautiful day, and spending time with dad was so valuable. 

Sigh, this is such an interesting series of ups and downs. Hoping the trip continues to be steady like this moment. Its ok if its not though, too. 

:::smile:::

Day 11

Hopped on an early plane this morning, everything was good. Amazingly, I was WAY more calm than I've been in years to get on a plane. I actually slept last night, and I got up easily this morning without crazy stomach clenching like I have in the past. 

I developed a headache over the course of flying all day. That's kind of to be expected after not having breakfast or lunch, and not drinking much water. I try to be lite on foods on days that I fly. Still have the headache, I'm just super pooped. Between the stress of flying and the stress of worrying about my mom, I think it all just decided to erupt in my head I guess. 

Yea, so I was fine until I sat down and hugged my dad...I just broke down crying. I havent seen him in so long, not since last NOVEMBER. Hormones or just missing my dad? Maybe a little of both. 

I dont have much to say, other than I was just all broken up over seeing my dad. Gotta go- things to do and people to see....

Day 10, p2

Ok well, I wrote the one friend who's relationship I was most concerned with (that sort of set it all off this morning) and I'm going to leave it at that. I talked with another friend about how I was feeling in regards to my feared failing relationship with the other, and she said that if I've approached the gal with whom I was feeling distance, then I've done what I can do and need to feel secure in knowing I've covered my part. If she wants to continue the relationship, then she will. And if not, then I can rest assured knowing I tried. 

If there's one lesson I've learned in the last few years, its that I don't want to pursue some one who is not interested pursuing me. This was a good mantra to have in dating or in friendships. If they aren't in it, I'm not going to be either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that when some one pulls away due to being busy/what have you - I don't just drop the friendship/relationship. Life gets in the way. 

Sometimes months separate me from my friends, but with the ones who are just as interested in me as I am in them - it feels like we never lost touch when we finally do talk. I'm saying, if after several attempts at communicating and seeing how some one is doing - if they aren't at least saying "hey! i'm here! been busy - lets get together/talk x...." there comes a line where you just have to let go and let it be. I don't know if that made any sense. I just needed to remind myself that its ok for things and for people to come and go. The ones who are true will always be there, even when i'm being crazy and insecure...because I know I'll be there for them when they get nutty, too. 

Aside from my bout of craziness this morning and my above rant, I'm feeling better.  

On a good note, I was pretty turned on this afternoon. I recently found out that the average woman's peek time of being turned on is at 3pm - ha! I fit right into that category! I am always raring and ready to go between 12-3:30ish. Its nice to feel turned on. There were many months for a while there where I could not muster the idea of anything sexual. Even if my head was in it, my body would not cooperate. It feels good to be feeling more alive and in touch with my body instead of feeling so removed.  

So now I'm just looking forward to Eric coming home so we can have dinner and a night together before I leave for Georgia in the morning. 2 weeks I'll be gone. Yikes! That's a long time with out Eric and without my girlfriends here who I love so much. I have a pretty solid feeling that I'm going to miss the weather, too ;-) It will be nice to see my family and to see my best gal in Florida, though. 

Ok, off to pick up the house a bit...the cutie is coming home soon and I want it to be nice for him!

Day 10

How does a person wake up feeling insecure? At this specific moment, I'm insecure about everything and feel nervous that its all going to fall apart at any second.  I'm nervous about everything this morning: my friendships, my job, my finances... basically my whole life. Useless anxiety sucks. 

This morning I'm feeling insecure about my ability to be a good friend and if I'm fulfilling the needs of my friends. What's worse, is I dont want to approach anyone about it, because insecurity isnt really that attractive in relationships or friendships. I wonder what the root of this is...if its my crazy hormones getting all riled up, or if there is some where inside of me that I dont believe in myself enough to think that I'm worthy of having or keeping friends. 

I hope that my security comes back soon. It seems I've lost it. 

Sigh. 

Day 9

Ha! I made it through the weekend without a major meltdown! I was fearing some good emotional drama, but there was none to be had. 

I have still had a threatening headache that has yet to turn into anything over the last week. It comes and goes and hasn't manifested into anything bigger than a threat, thankfully. 

Otherwise, so far so good, besides feeling tired - I've had a few noticeable positive mood swings instead of negative ones in the last couple of days. Eric has been kind of wary of this happiness- Ha ha! These are like happy rays of sunshine in the midst of an overall emotional cloudy period, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he proceeds with caution with my positive energy. It feels good to be bouncier and happier, even though it's only for short bursts and it's only been a little over a week...

I think I'm just happy knowing that I'm (hopefully) on the road to some clarity with my physical and emotional health. You know, it's probably more along the lines of the placebo effect instead of more regular hormones in my body. Whatever it is, I'm glad about it. 

I havent killed anyone yet, so I'm pretty sure I'm on a good path...

I know that the next two weeks could be potentially difficult still, so I'm wary of the happiness, too....but, I'm just going to appreciate it now in this moment. It's all I have or have ever had, really.