quick update

Updates: no headaches for the last week or so since I posted....its like I had a peppering of them, and they've taken a nice little vacation! :-) Happy about that!

My last period was a bit light...Hopefully that's normal....the one before was pretty heavy, so I'm wondering if they naturally fluctuate...

Feeling a little more resolved in the questions I was asking...

No big thoughts for the moment....hoping you are well.

I dont know what day it is anymore?

I could sit here and do the math...but...let me just catch you up....

Juciest details first: I've been SO turned on lately! AWESOME! And about EVERYTHING, too. I dont question for a minute dropping the hormones. 

Annoying details: The headaches are still there. Bummer. I think that the hormones were not a headache correlation. Which is good, but, its also bad because I'm still on the hunt for what's causing them. I'm having them LESS often, but, I'm still having them. Over the week of my period it was nearly every day. Bummer. 

Question for the married women: are married couples supposed to do everything together? I mean, are they supposed to have a shared hobby...at least one? Is it ok if they dont? What the hell do married people do? What keeps them together? What keeps them connected/interested in one another? Just talking? Or sharing a hobby? Do you have to share a hobby to be connected? 

Non-juicy details: I'm in my 3rd cycle off the pill. My crazies are settling down. I'm still crazy, but not nearly as much - and I dont feel as depressed as I did for so long. Maybe its the placebo effect. I think next week I'll start my period...maybe wednesday. Maybe it's time to start taking my temperature in the mornings, since I'm 3 cycles in....

Day 62

It has been 62 days that I've been off the pill, and I suppose its officialy day 24 in my current cycle....as this cycle magically started September 1...easy to keep up with ;-) 

This evening I was reading the October 2009 Women's Health issue, and this is what I saw in an article on The Pill:

(from an article titled, The Pill's Secret Powers, by Beth Howard)

The Pill And...

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Verdict: It Hurts

For some women, the Pill can put a damper on sex drive. The synthetic estrogen increases levels of a protein called sex-hormone-binding globulin (SHBG), which adheres to testosterone and makes it less available to the body. The result can be a crash in desire, muted orgasms, or pain during sex, according to Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. In fact, some companies even list a decrease in desire as a side effect on the Pill's packaging. And Goldstein's research shows that levels of SHBG can stay elevated for at least several months after going off the Pill. 

Yup. If that's not enough reason right there to drop the pill, I dont know what is. You're on the pill but have no drive?! Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?! I hope for most women, this SHBG is not the case...but I 100% believe that for me, this was a big factor in my lack of drive and feeling so emotionally down. I can tell you that I've actually been wet (for lack of better words), interested in sex, and I've been feeling clarity in my thoughts. 

It's like I have my balls back! Ha! It's like I have this nice fire coming slowly back to me....Oooh, that sounds kind of weird. Whatever you either know what I mean or you don't..

Onto other things, I have some product suggestions for you....

If you've decided to let go of the pill and are using condoms, may I suggest the following brand: Beyond Seven. It's AMAZING! It's so thin, we can hardly feel it. E says its the super sensitive, and is the closest to the "real thing" hehe. I cant feel it at all, and it has 0 scent. Its lightly lubricated, so you should buy a nice quality lubricant to use. For that, may I suggest

"liquid silk" lubricant. It feels super close to the real thing, and you only need a small amount. 

For things like manual stimulation, Astroglide is tops....but, for sex itself, or just giving the condom a little extra magic, the Liquid Silk is really nice. No scent. No irritation (I have pretty sensitive skin)....

Now, I've had some surprising nights lately where I didnt even need any lube - it was so awesome. I havent experienced that in what seems like years. 

The next product we'd like to try are Kimono brand condoms. I've heard that these are right up there with Beyond 7's...

I am having some interesting mood swings here and there, but they seem to be occurring less often - and seem to be stress driven/related, not simply out of the blue like they felt before. I guess this is sort of a random thought that I've been pondering...this past Tuesday while at acupuncture, exclaiming over some recent family drama, I related my stress to feeling like the world was in my womb -almost like I felt like I am trying to be mother to everyone and the world around me. Interesting how I've been thinking about babies lately. I dont know if it's because everyone around me seems to be having them, or that I'm keenly aware that we're trying not to have one at this point so the what if's are on my mind, or if its my natural baby making instinct crawling out thanks to the pill not shushing it....whatever it is...its something I'm thinking about. 

I didnt even mean to make that analogy until I was talking with her (my acupuncturist), she took my pulses, and said we'd be working on my "womb" that day because between it and my liver pulse- the energy felt weak, tired, and like it just wanted to throw the towel in-  and then the analogy just fell right out of my mouth. 

Eh, I didnt mean to ramble so much on here, I guess it's good for a catch-up...more to come soon, I'm sure....

Day 56

I havent written in so long because it doesnt seem anyone's reading this...it sort of feels futile. 

....

I think I might cancel it altogether...

Day 41

I have good news and I have bad news. 

The good news is that yes, I have a period! I haven't had a real period in well over a year and I really missed it. I know it sounds funny, and I'm sure in a while I will be complaining about it, but, it feels like my body is doing what it should do, and that is good. 

The bad news, is that I've had a headache for 5 days. Boooo. It hasnt been a severe one, but, it's been there. Granted, I've been working out much harder at the gym, so I think that between the fall of estrogen and the strenuous workouts, vwala! we have a headache :-) 

Aside from the good and the bad news, I've been kind of sensitive emotionally for the last few days. I've felt like I somewhat of a loose cannon here and there. It's coming and going rather fast, so at least whatever this instability is, it's not sticking around for long. 

That's about all I have for now. 

Yay for bodies!

Day 38

FINALLY! 

A PERIOD! 

I had a headache yesterday, (one was brewing earlier today before I took advil), and was extremely emotionally sensitive last night and the night before which seems to make sense. 

Yay! I'm so happy! 

So now, day 38 actually becomes day 1 of my cycle. 

I need to go buy a good thermometer now to start taking my temperature and charting it each morning. 

I know my cycle will be all willy wally for a good few go-rounds, so I dont want to assume every cycle will be 37 days...but....

Gals, I am just so thrilled...I dont think I've ever been happier to have a period! 

Ha!

That's it for now...I'm in class...just wanted you to know...

Day 33

Still nothing....

nada...

Feeling emotionally better...that's a good thing. 

Day 30

Ok no period yet. Sigh. It's day 30! 

Are these cramps I'm feeling? 

You know the feeling, the ghosty/fake out cramps that make you feel like you need to go to the bathroom but when you get there it doesnt happen? 

Yea. That's me this morning. 

Day 28

Good news: had blood last night after we had sex and what looked to be the beginnings of a period. 

Even better news: Both times before sex, last night and tonight I was lubricated ALL BY MYSELF! AMAZING! I cant even tell you the last time that happened, that I didnt need lube. Of course when we put on the condom we used it, but...LADIES....that's awesome. That's worth not being on birth control right there. Its amazing to feel like that- to actually get turned on while I'm with my husband and us be able to take advantage of it.  

Not so great news: no more blood since last night. I'm hoping these haunts of a period come soon...it has been 28 days, which is the "average" woman's cycle....so, give or take a couple of days until I actually get nervous. 

Until then...BIG SMILE across my face! BIG ONE. 

;-) 

Day 27

Bad news. 

Headache yesterday. It was lurking by noon, and by the evening it was bad enough for me to take some advil. More bad news: the kids I take care of both have nasty fevers....eek I hope that's not me in a few days! 

I turned the hubs down for intimate fun and it really upset him. Ok, so I can be honest and say I'm really not feeling all that great or I can just go through the motions?

He's upset because for the weeks I was gone, I was all turned on and now that I'm home, I'm not feeling my best and he thinks its because I'm not attracted to him. I dont think that's the case at all...I think I'm just having a low moment? I'm allowed to have low moments after weeks of go go go go...right?

Sigh. What do I do? What do most women do to get themselves in the mood when they arent feeling great? Or do I just allow my body to be low for a few days and assume that all is well and will be well in a few days? 

It doesnt help that I keep having these glimpses of stupid body insecurity. Eh. Can I have those last weeks back, please?

Day 26

Here's a truth that I'm really starting to get: 

Regardless of whether or not you are on or going off the pill, daily exercise makes a big difference in how you feel physically and emotionally. Not only do you feel stronger and empowered over your body, but you feel like your doing something good for yourself- which is a nice confidence boost. It has all of these lovely effects, I don't know why I didn't regularly exercise before...

I've started back at the gym/working out daily and just knowing that I'm back on track makes me feel good. 

Had a mild headache yesterday, today is clear so far.  

Well, still no period...I think it would be kind of ironic if I were pregnant...I mean, I was going off the pill for one reason, and would be ending up with the result that most women go for when they drop the pill...The good news, is that if I am pregnant, its alright. I mean, I believe that babies come in perfect time- whether or not they are planned. So, if I am, its ok. And if I'm not...well...even better ;-) I'd rather wait to purposely have children in a few years from now, once I'm out of graduate school and working regularly enough to support a new life. That's the plan, anyway. 

We'll find out soon!

Day 25

Whew! Sorry for the long break, if anyone's out there actually reading this. 

I was in Florida with limited internet connection for a few days and have been busy since I've returned to the Bay Area. 

This past weekend for about 3 days I've had a mild headache. I took 2 advil each of those 3 days. The headache was at its worst on Sunday when I was traveling for 12 hours and finally landed in SF. Makes sense. Sleep certainly helped that one, it was gone by Monday.

I think I should be getting close to having my period by now...its been 25 days...shouldn't it be here already? I figured that was the driving factor behind the headaches...but...no period yet...so what gives?

Maybe its on slight hold thanks to traveling, family stress, and this being my first cycle off of birth control...

I guess next cycle I'll start using the temperature method to know precisely when I've ovulated so I'll know when to expect my period. 

Hubs and I had sex twice the other night! AWESOME! I hope that continues :-) I've actually been in the mood, which is nice! 

I spent some time with a girlfriend yesterday who noticed my positive change of being more upbeat than I've been in a few months. Its nice to have these break throughs of genuine positive energy again! Maybe next cycle I'll have more of those!

That's all for now, stay tuned...

Day 17

Ok its actually too early in this day to comment about how it's going - so I'm going to talk about something I felt yesterday -

Yesterday evening, I kept having a sinking, nervous feeling. I've noticed it before when I was going on/off the pill, so I just wanted to make note of it. Its a feeling of anxiety, nervousness and lack of grounding. It has come and gone over the last 24 hours, more specifically. 

that's all - just wanted to make a quick note of it. I need some yoga. 

Day 16

I've made it through 2 whole weeks without birth control. 

I've definitely been more emotional -you know, crying or feeling choked up over things I normally wouldn't be so emotional over... but I keep getting these great glimpses of feeling more alive.

I havent had a regular headache this entire time, besides the day I flew across the country on a few hours of sleep and my hang over on Sunday from drinking a little too much Saturday night without having eaten much throughout the day or staying hydrated. Those headaches were due to pressure from flying, lack of sleep, and alcohol withdrawal, not just random in nature or  without recognizable cause like they have been for so long. 

I have had some threats of headaches that could have become full fledged headaches...but, they've stayed at bay and have gone away pretty easily. 

The last 2-3 days I've been pretty turned on, too. That's NICE to report! Sucks that I'm far away from Eric, but its nice to know that it's possible to feel this way again :-) I suppose its about the right time in my cycle to be feeling turned on easily, I think its due to likely being close close to ovulation. Whatever it is, I like it. 

That's my update for now! 

Day 14

No need to write a lot this morning, I feel good. 

Day 12

Today has been nice.  

It seems my insecurity  in relationships is shrinking back into the hole where it came. I hope it stays there, too. Meh. 

Dad took me fishing this morning and it was so meditative. I really enjoyed being able to quietly sit and focus on something simple. It is a beautiful day, and spending time with dad was so valuable. 

Sigh, this is such an interesting series of ups and downs. Hoping the trip continues to be steady like this moment. Its ok if its not though, too. 

:::smile:::

Day 11

Hopped on an early plane this morning, everything was good. Amazingly, I was WAY more calm than I've been in years to get on a plane. I actually slept last night, and I got up easily this morning without crazy stomach clenching like I have in the past. 

I developed a headache over the course of flying all day. That's kind of to be expected after not having breakfast or lunch, and not drinking much water. I try to be lite on foods on days that I fly. Still have the headache, I'm just super pooped. Between the stress of flying and the stress of worrying about my mom, I think it all just decided to erupt in my head I guess. 

Yea, so I was fine until I sat down and hugged my dad...I just broke down crying. I havent seen him in so long, not since last NOVEMBER. Hormones or just missing my dad? Maybe a little of both. 

I dont have much to say, other than I was just all broken up over seeing my dad. Gotta go- things to do and people to see....

Day 10, p2

Ok well, I wrote the one friend who's relationship I was most concerned with (that sort of set it all off this morning) and I'm going to leave it at that. I talked with another friend about how I was feeling in regards to my feared failing relationship with the other, and she said that if I've approached the gal with whom I was feeling distance, then I've done what I can do and need to feel secure in knowing I've covered my part. If she wants to continue the relationship, then she will. And if not, then I can rest assured knowing I tried. 

If there's one lesson I've learned in the last few years, its that I don't want to pursue some one who is not interested pursuing me. This was a good mantra to have in dating or in friendships. If they aren't in it, I'm not going to be either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that when some one pulls away due to being busy/what have you - I don't just drop the friendship/relationship. Life gets in the way. 

Sometimes months separate me from my friends, but with the ones who are just as interested in me as I am in them - it feels like we never lost touch when we finally do talk. I'm saying, if after several attempts at communicating and seeing how some one is doing - if they aren't at least saying "hey! i'm here! been busy - lets get together/talk x...." there comes a line where you just have to let go and let it be. I don't know if that made any sense. I just needed to remind myself that its ok for things and for people to come and go. The ones who are true will always be there, even when i'm being crazy and insecure...because I know I'll be there for them when they get nutty, too. 

Aside from my bout of craziness this morning and my above rant, I'm feeling better.  

On a good note, I was pretty turned on this afternoon. I recently found out that the average woman's peek time of being turned on is at 3pm - ha! I fit right into that category! I am always raring and ready to go between 12-3:30ish. Its nice to feel turned on. There were many months for a while there where I could not muster the idea of anything sexual. Even if my head was in it, my body would not cooperate. It feels good to be feeling more alive and in touch with my body instead of feeling so removed.  

So now I'm just looking forward to Eric coming home so we can have dinner and a night together before I leave for Georgia in the morning. 2 weeks I'll be gone. Yikes! That's a long time with out Eric and without my girlfriends here who I love so much. I have a pretty solid feeling that I'm going to miss the weather, too ;-) It will be nice to see my family and to see my best gal in Florida, though. 

Ok, off to pick up the house a bit...the cutie is coming home soon and I want it to be nice for him!

Day 10

How does a person wake up feeling insecure? At this specific moment, I'm insecure about everything and feel nervous that its all going to fall apart at any second.  I'm nervous about everything this morning: my friendships, my job, my finances... basically my whole life. Useless anxiety sucks. 

This morning I'm feeling insecure about my ability to be a good friend and if I'm fulfilling the needs of my friends. What's worse, is I dont want to approach anyone about it, because insecurity isnt really that attractive in relationships or friendships. I wonder what the root of this is...if its my crazy hormones getting all riled up, or if there is some where inside of me that I dont believe in myself enough to think that I'm worthy of having or keeping friends. 

I hope that my security comes back soon. It seems I've lost it. 

Sigh. 

Day 9

Ha! I made it through the weekend without a major meltdown! I was fearing some good emotional drama, but there was none to be had. 

I have still had a threatening headache that has yet to turn into anything over the last week. It comes and goes and hasn't manifested into anything bigger than a threat, thankfully. 

Otherwise, so far so good, besides feeling tired - I've had a few noticeable positive mood swings instead of negative ones in the last couple of days. Eric has been kind of wary of this happiness- Ha ha! These are like happy rays of sunshine in the midst of an overall emotional cloudy period, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he proceeds with caution with my positive energy. It feels good to be bouncier and happier, even though it's only for short bursts and it's only been a little over a week...

I think I'm just happy knowing that I'm (hopefully) on the road to some clarity with my physical and emotional health. You know, it's probably more along the lines of the placebo effect instead of more regular hormones in my body. Whatever it is, I'm glad about it. 

I havent killed anyone yet, so I'm pretty sure I'm on a good path...

I know that the next two weeks could be potentially difficult still, so I'm wary of the happiness, too....but, I'm just going to appreciate it now in this moment. It's all I have or have ever had, really. 

Day 6

Just a bit tired today. Nothing of notice to report. Thankfully, I'm not nearly as cranky or as sensitive as I was earlier in the week. Still feeling a bit insecure, but, at least not every tiny thing is getting to me. 

Feeling ok for now.... 

:-)

Day 5

Last night was really hard. I was incredibly sensitive to everything and everyone. It was embarrassing. I'm glad I was home for the better part of the evening. 

Today has been better...

I've been tired all day. Fortunately,  I have not been pissy in the least, just the kind of tired that you get right before your period (or on the first day) when your head feels heavy and you just want to sleep. The threatening headache is still there, but it has yet to come out of its shell and blow up all over my head, thankfully. I'm aware of its presence, but, it has stayed at bay so far. 

Also, my stomach/throat was in burning pain when I woke up, but, I think that may have been from dinner last night that included a lot jalapenos. I was really nauseous on waking, but a few tums cleared that right up.  

Did I mention that this cycle I'm not going to be doing any temperature taking/mucus testing?That will come in later chapters....much later chapters. This early part is mostly what I'm going through in coming off the hormones. So basically, it will probably be a lot of bitching. Heh. 

For this and probably the next cycle or two, I think we'll just use condoms 100% of the time opposed to the temp/mucus (lovely) checking... - as my body needs to get used to the no-hormones things and become more at home in itself again before it is regular/reliable enough to believe. 

 If you'd like to know more about the method I'll be using to figure out when I'm ovulating - pick up "Taking Control of Your Fertility" at your local bookstore. It talks about charting your temperature daily, and checking your cervical mucus to know when you're most fertile/not fertile. If you're trying to get pregnant, obviously you'd want to have more and unprotected sex during your fertile time...and for me, I believe we'll probably be abstaining on the few days around when I ovulate. There are other fun things we can do during that time ;-) I mean, of course we could use condoms during that time, but I dont know if I'm comfortable yet with trusting my knowledge of my body, as funny as that may sound...I might need to re-read that book about a 100 more times...

Ok, going to head out for now and just go close my eyes. 

Bye for now...

Day 4, p2. Crazy Nutball

Ok, I'm being a crazy nutball. I'm an emotional mess tonight. I'm sensitive toward EVERYTHING. I recognize it, but, its not making it any better. Sigh. I'm glad next week and the following I'll be in Georgia and Florida, so Eric wont have to deal with my crazies. 

:-(

Day 4

I had pretty solid energy until about 4, today. I worked out for 40 minutes and I've drank 2 whole bottles of water...working on my 3rd, now. Around 4 I started to crash and Miss Pissy decided to come out. I'm pretty sure that's not out of the ordinary, though. I mean, most people have an afternoon crash so I'm doubting it's 100% the hormones. 

Just feeling kinda down, tired and ready for bed.  Not feeling negative down, just quiet, pensive and thoughtful down...if that makes any sense. 

Had a reassuring talk with a girlfriend of mine today - who stopped taking birth control a while ago and says she has never felt more alive or more in tune with her body. She says her sex drive is revved up like it was when she was a teenager, which is a good thing. I'd love to have those days back! 

Going to go for now. Sorry if I'm not making much sense today. 

Day 3

So far....I have a threatening headache looming in the background... and stupid irrational emotions that are making me wonder if this was a good idea. 

I dont even want to admit that I feel this way.... but, I guess its part of the process of making it through. 

Its annoying to be so insecure. I hate feeling like I dont have it together....and being vulnerable at the same time. 

I worked out this morning, which is supposed to be a help for mild depression. Already finished a bottle of water, too...in hopes that it will help the headache. 

Sigh. This is only day 3. It's got to get worse before it gets better, I suppose. 

It's Time...

Ladies, 

It's time. It's time we take back our bodies and declare our independence from extra hormones raging through our system and reeking havoc on our emotions, sex drive, menstrual cycle, and bodies!  

Well, ok- its time for me, anyway. 

I've decided that after 10 years of being on birth control, that I can no longer stand having regular headaches, a low sex drive, and general unexplained moodiness. It seems that with every type of internal birth control I've tried, the only upside to using any of them is that I'm not getting pregnant. While that's sort of the point of taking birth control- I know there are other ways to avoid getting pregnant...without having to throw more hormones and substance into my mix than what I was naturally born with. 

For me, I am embarking on the method of Natural Family Planning (or avoidance in my case) - involving the nitty gritty details of checking my temperature every morning, and the status of my *ahem* cervical fluid. If that was TMI for you, this blog may not be right for you and maybe you should go look into the shopping, celeb, food or sports blogs, k?

I am leaving birth control for now, because I've been too afraid to try living without it thanks to fear of the unknown/fear of getting pregnant. I feel like I've just had this shroud of cloudiness over me for a while, and I'm trying to figure out what variable in my life it could be....I'm going to point my finger at birth control right now, in hopes that by stopping it - I will be happier. Maybe that's not even the real problem, and maybe after a few months I'll find that I still have headaches often, and that I'm still moody...if that's the case, I'll probably just go back on birth control. I dont think its evil or anything, I just think that maybe its not working for me right now.

For now though, my blog is about my experience in going off of birth control and it's effects on my emotions, sex drive, and my headaches. You see, the biggest factor in my husband's and my decision to stop taking birth control is due to me having headaches for 60-75% of my month. It's not worth the pain for either of us. We decided that we'd rather use a barrier method like condoms and have me be actually interested in sex and able to have sex (no headaches) than have me on birth control with a low drive and in pain to boot. 

Today is day 2 of my journey. It's Monday, and I would have taken 2 pink pills by now as I used to be a Sunday start. I'm pretty nervous about what my body is going to do and wondering how much it will really effect my headaches and em...drive. 

I already feel pretty crazy and I have a slight tease of a headache. I feel like I could cry or just fly off the handle with out a moment's notice right now. I'm pretty sure a nice bath and a glass of wine would do me well. I heard that your hormones go nuts for a good month to three for most people...so I should expect high-end crazies for a couple of weeks, and it should slowly taper off to occasional crazies as time passes. Yay! 

That's all for now. Stay tuned.  

Crazily yours for now, 

A Gal Seeking Freedom